I Know Better, But Still Struggle

This post is a hard one to share. Not because I don’t know what to say, but because I know exactly what I want to say — and it feels vulnerable to share it.

Since Sunday, I’ve felt awful. Bloated. Sluggish. Uncomfortable in my body. And more than that — disappointed in myself.

I know what triggered it: too much wine over the weekend, mindless grazing at my sister’s wedding shower, skipping lunch, not drinking enough water, and likely the shift toward my next bleed (though at this stage of perimenopause, cycles are… elusive at best).

But deeper than those triggers is a hard truth: I’m not treating myself the way I want to be treated. And I know better, but I still struggle.

When the mirror reflects more than just your body

While getting ready for the shower, I tried on multiple outfits. Cute dresses that used to fit… didn’t. I landed on something that stretched around my midsection, but I didn’t feel good in it at all. It was that or yoga attire…

Then came the photos.

I barely recognized myself in them. The extra 25lbs I’m carrying around my midsection stared back at me, and I was flooded with disgust and frustration. And tears. A lot of tears.

And it’s not just the shower. I have a professional photoshoot next week for my business. I’m standing next to my sister in 16 days for her wedding. I want to feel proud and strong in my body — but right now, I don’t.

The shame spiral

Here’s where it gets really messy:

I teach about wellness. I share Ayurvedic lifestyle tips, healthy habits, meal plans, and mindful practices. I created the Radiant Reset! And yet… I feel like a fraud. I felt great after the week of Ayurveda inspired meals and extra cups of tea, and yet in no short time, I ‘fell off the wagon’…

But even as I say write this, a quieter truth speaks up: You’re not a fraud. You’re human.

I do take time each day to pause and breathe. I walk in nature. Practice yoga. Show up for Taekwondo. I cook healthy meals, get good sleep, and rarely snack.

And more than anything — I care. I care deeply. About my health, my clients, this work, and the people I serve.

Two truths at once

I can feel disappointed with how I’ve been treating my body and still recognize the good I’m doing.

I can long for my pre-baby body (hello, defined arms, flat belly, and strong legs from 14 years ago!) and honour the incredible things this current body has carried me through.

I can feel sheepish and vulnerable about sharing this and still know that this is what many women feel — and that naming it out loud helps us all feel less alone.

The real work

I’m practicing how to be seen when I feel imperfect. I’m learning how to hold compassion for the parts of me that are struggling. And I’m trying — gently — to interrupt the cycle of prajnaparadha (the mistake of the intellect) that has me forgetting what I know to be true.

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence.

If you’re still reading this…

Thank you.

For walking this road with me. For doing your best to care for yourself. And for trusting that healing doesn’t come from getting it “right.” It comes from coming home to yourself, again and again.

I’m leaning into the theme of metta for July – a month with the practice of loving kindness.

We’ll explore what it means to care for yourself when it’s hard — and why grace might just be the missing ingredient in your, and my, wellness journey.

xoM